Easing my pandemic baby into the 'new normal'
Heading into the Munich city centre with my pandemic baby on a rainy July day in 2021.
My second son is a pandemic baby. Also known as a 'coronial', or a member of ‘Generation C’.
Born a mere two weeks before Germany (along with most of the world) was thrust into a strict lockdown, my second son will never remember a pre-COVID-19 time. This is a generation-defining feature: much like being born during a war, the Great Depression, or around the 9/11 of my (millennial) generation. My almost four year old will probably also struggle to remember a time before face masks were worn on buses.
The past couple of months have been exciting: Germany has been finally stepping out of a seven-month-long lockdown, and people are stepping out and about into the sun, filling beer gardens, and even venturing to make (and enact) summer travel plans. It’s almost normal - apart from masks indoors. You could almost believe that the pandemic never happened, that it was all just a bad dream.
Except, it wasn’t. It happened. It is still happening.
I don't know about you, but I'm finding adjusting back to being out and about and interacting with large amounts of people to be a bit overwhelming. I’m struggling to work out if I really feel one hundred percent comfortable strolling through a crowd of people in the city. I’ve been fumbling over my words (although that has a bit to do with the fact that my German has greatly deteriorated over the past 17 months). I get a bit surprised and a little spooked when someone offers to help me carry the pram off the bus.
We’ve spent a lot of time specifically avoiding people. We have been told over and over again to stay at home where possible. Now, I’m not used to all the sights and sounds and unexpected happenings that occur when you’re around large amounts of people (ie more than the three other people I live with).
I wasn't really surprised to find that my pandemic baby (who is now 17 months old), seems to be having a similar reaction. I guess I had just hoped that it would be easier for him to adapt (the almost four year old, on the other hand, seems to be having no problems that I can identify).
Up until a couple of months ago, our life was very small. Perhaps even more so than most - I guess you could say that we spent many of those seven months (+ the original spring lockdown) in a sort of hyper-isolation.
What our winter lockdown hyper-isolation looked like:
We are not from Germany (my husband and I are from Australia). We have no family in Germany, and not too many close friends. We really only saw a couple of people a few times over this seven month lockdown.
My husband was working long hours and weekends finishing his PhD - so he was regularly absent.
For the whole winter my almost four year old was home from Kindergarten (because it was only running in an emergency capacity) - I struggled to occupy both him and my then-one year old satisfactorily in our tiny apartment. As such, my younger son probably received less interaction from me.
It was cold and unpleasant to spend long periods of time outside - often we wouldn't even venture out and, when we did, we wouldn't see anyone.
We (obviously) didn’t travel anywhere.
I felt quite depressed during this time - it became about surviving rather than thriving, and it took a lot to keep me going (secret-that’s-not-so-secret: writing helped a lot).
In short, my pandemic baby spent most of the first fourteen months of his life confined to our small apartment, with me and his brother (and his dad making cameo appearances).
There is a lot of research that suggests that the first year of life is incredibly important for a baby’s overall long-term development.
What do babies need during this critical first year?
Experience - especially social experience - which ‘stimulates, tunes, and hones the brain’s unfolding architecture,’ says paediatrician Sunil Bhopal and developmental psychopathologist Pasco Fearon.
Environment - that is ‘stimulating, varied and responsive’ - which ‘supports the development of language, cognition and emotional and social competencies’.
How have these needs been impacted by the pandemic lockdown and social distancing measures?
The social experiences and environment of pandemic babies have been severely restricted:
Some suggest that many pandemic babies will have had most of their interactions only with their parents. Even if this is not the case, they ‘certainly will not have had the same opportunities to interact with other children as those born in the years before.’
There has been a lack of social support for parents of new and young babies. Normally friends, family, and even community groups would be stepping in and helping out, interacting with the baby, siblings (if any), and the parents. This is good, not only for the well-being of the baby (‘young children can also benefit significantly from relationships with other responsive caregivers both within and outside the family’), but also for the parents. This kind of social support may improve the mental health of the parents, allowing them to be more responsive to their baby (a positive feedback loop).
The lack of this social support for the parents, as well as the increase in many other stressors during this time, could increase parental stress, leading to less responsive parenting and harm to the caregiving relationship.
We don’t yet know exactly how the complex ways by which stimulation, social contact and responsive caregiving have been affected because evidence so far is limited.
A preliminary report has suggested ‘risks of harm to development from restricted social interaction.’
How my pandemic baby initially responded to going out more as the winter lockdown began to ease:
(when he was around 13 - 14 months)
He would sit in the pram and suck on his finger a lot (he normally does this to calm himself down when he’s stressed, or when he’s tired and getting ready to go to sleep - it seems to be his self-soothing mechanism).
Generally retreating into his own world (sitting back in the pram).
He would cry with very limited prompting (and he’s not normally a ‘crying’ type of baby) - For example: in the lift, arriving on the platform at the station, when the train was arriving.
When we visited some friends, he spent the first hour crying and being scared on them.
After more outings, however, he is making huge strides in being more confident in different environments:
He’s not sucking on his finger as much (although he still does it a bit).
He seems more interested in his environment: He’s sitting forward in the pram. Instead of crying or getting upset, he’s looking out for the train and the bus and interested in seeing them arrive.
He likes walking around the playground. He likes feeling the sand and the grass and interacting with his environment.
He’s interested in other kids that come up to him at the playground: he smiles, makes sounds, and tries to touch them.
He rarely cries in public now.
Most notably, he’s started babbling in public - previously, he would have only done that at home. He also tries to get the attention of strangers, smiles at them, and responds well to a game of peek-a-boo.
I do feel like my second son is slightly delayed in his social and emotional skills (especially compared to my other son at that age), which I blame on his limited social and environmental experiences due to pandemic mitigation measures (+ our additional forced hyper-isolation). This remarkable change in his behaviour, however, is making me feel more and more confident that he will catch up in his own time.
What else am I doing to continue to encourage my pandemic baby’s social development and make up for lost time?
Whenever I sense that something is going on (whether that be with my kids or myself), I like to read up about it and consider what I can do to help - in order to make sure that there’s nothing I’m missing. So here are some ideas I came across…
Serve and return
As I was reading, I came across the idea of ‘serve and return’. Even though I’ve read a number of books about baby and toddler development, I’d never heard of this concept in this exact way before.
Babies and toddlers naturally ‘serve’ up communication signals - including babbling, facial expressions, gestures, and later, words. In order to provide responsive care, it is important for the parent or caregivers to respond to these serves with a ‘return’ response. The return response doesn’t have to be anything major - it can be a smile, a nod, mimicking what they’ve just done or said, or speaking to them.
There is a body of research that suggests that the serve and return relationship is critical for brain development in babies and toddlers. I was a bit sad when reading about this because I realised that I may not have been as responsive as I could have been over this time with my second son - especially during the lockdown when my eldest was around and taking up a lot of my attention (and also due to my pandemic-induced more depressed and less interactive state). I am really aiming to turn this around now, especially now that we have time during the day to ourselves while my eldest is at Kindergarten.
When serve and return interactions are disrupted over a sustained time, research has shown that this may be even more damaging to brain development than physical trauma - so it is incredibly important! But it is also very simple!
Following the child’s lead
Another simple approach is to follow the child’s lead - that is, when they take an interest in something, follow them and point to the item of interest, name it, talk about it. Many experts highlight the importance of playing, laughing, singing, and reading. These are all simple activities that can be constantly occurring throughout the day.
Getting out and about
The other thing we are doing is trying to get out and about every single day. I must admit, I wasn’t doing this before - especially when the weather wasn’t good and everything was closed. Now, we go out as much as possible - whether that be as involved as heading into the city for a walk and picnic, or as simple as walking around the block or going to the playground.
I’ve also tried to continue serve and return interactions as much as possible when we’re out (even if I feel a little silly). If my son babbles something or smiles at me, or even looks at something, I respond. No more headphones in on our walks - now I look, listen, observe, and RESPOND.
We are both working to re-expand our comfort zones, because, even though it had to be for a time, life was never supposed to be limited to our apartment.
Final words
It will be some time before we can truly gauge the impact the pandemic has had on babies and toddlers (and older children and adults for that matter!).
What sets this youngest generation apart is that the most severe pandemic restrictions occurred during their critical 1000 first days of development AND they had limited means to communicate during this early developmental time.
There are some studies underway to assess these affects, and prompt interest in what we can do to curtail them. One study I am interested in reading once the results are in is from Oxford Brookes University, which is looking at social distancing and development in babies.
PS: If you’ve had a hard time, remember: don’t be too hard on yourself! As I was reading through the literature, I felt myself getting sad at all the missed opportunities, and things that I wasn’t doing. But then I got this newsletter from TILT Parenting, which I found to be very helpful. Debbie says:
‘Slow down, take deep breaths, and release expectations about where our kids ‘need to be’ right now’. She goes on: ‘Instead, let's focus on helping our children feel secure in where they are right now. Let's remind them that there is no "right" timeline for their own progression. Let's help them feel seen and show up with steadiness and patience.
Because children learn and grow most effectively when they feel this sense of security. When they feel secure, they will become more confident in their abilities, feel safer taking risks, and be more resilient when they have setbacks.’
The best thing we can do with our kids is to not be too hard on ourselves or them. Steadiness and patience (this is my current mantra, both for my son and for myself).
Do you have a pandemic baby or child? What has your experience been? As always, leave your thoughts in the comments below.
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