Why I started writing again + a gentle case for making your writing public
Settle in - it’s time for some stories and reflection.
I'm going to get a bit more reflective here (yes, even more than usual).
The topic? My reasons for starting Life Inspiration File.
I got to thinking about this a lot as I did a little spring refresh of the whole site. Perhaps you've noticed a few things:
We have a (better) byline: 'Life's experiments distilled into stories, lessons + advice'.
The themes are much more streamlined (and perhaps a little less haphazard?):
Better Life (a catch-all for various life lessons + advice)
Parent Life (+ Pregnant Life)
Work Life (+ improving it)
Science Life (using science to understand + make decisions)
Expat Life (where challenge + satisfaction co-exist)
Book Life (a quiet place for those who like to read)
And, possibly the most important change: I completely rewrote the 'About' page. I think it tells the story much more clearly now, so please check it out and tell me what you think!
But, as I made all these changes and forced myself to think about and articulate what I'm trying to do, I realised that the topic that I probably need to cover is:
How did I get back to writing?
And: Why am I making my writing public?
These are the real themes of today's article.
The beginning of my writing life
I've always loved writing (doesn't every writer say this?). I've always loved reading too. I think they go hand in hand, and I can't really articulate which love came first.
I've previously mentioned that I did a Bachelor of Arts, majoring in creative writing and English literature, alongside my undergrad science studies. I often refer to it as my starting point for writing, but, looking more carefully, it goes back further than that.
As a kid, I would often draw and write stories to match my illustrations. I remember a time when I was seven and my youngest sister was born, and I wrote about her and the ‘white flakey stuff’ peeling off her. My best friend and I also founded a newsletter/magazine when we were around 10 or 11. We wrote little articles and brought out a new edition (to be circulated to our parents) each week.
I went on to do literature in school and then more literature and creative writing in university. In uni, though, I increasingly felt that I was better at science than the arts subjects, so went on to focus completely on science and ended up with a PhD in biochemistry.
During the time of my PhD and my post-doc in Munich afterwards, I didn't do any writing that wasn't scientific. That is, until August 2020, when I opened up my laptop and wrote a journal entry.
The journal entry that prompted me to write after so long
Let's just say, for the time being, that I have a complex relationship with my 'family of origin' (aka my parents and two sisters). Perhaps one day I'll share the whole story, but that day is not today. Plus it would take a lot more than a blog post (even an extremely long one) to explain it all. Actually it is taking 80,000+ words (this is the focus of the longer piece I've been working on at 6:30 every morning).
Something happened (to do with my family) in August last year that hurt me and made me angry. Things I'd thought I'd done well to suppress were brought right back up again with renewed strength. My husband wasn't home at the time the 'event' happened, so I had no one to talk to. Knowing I had a whole afternoon ahead of me with two young kids to look after singlehandedly, I needed to do something to deal with this sudden outpouring of emotion. So I opened up a fresh word document and I wrote it all down - what happened, how I felt, the nasty things that I wouldn't want anyone else to read: everything.
But what happened after that?
Well, something was unleashed in me - I feel that's the best way to describe it. Suddenly I had stories, memories, events bubbling up in me and I felt like I couldn't get them written down quickly enough. Over the following weeks I amassed pages and pages of writing. Then I had more ideas and I kept writing notes. I would stop on the street and pull out my phone to write down more memories and ideas that were popping up. It was unbelievable.
“I ended up thinking - I have to keep on writing until I can’t. Something is telling me to do this. I need to do this and I need to see it through.”
Why did I start the blog? Why Life Inspiration File?
Alongside writing down all these stories for the 'memoir', I began to reflect on all the experiences I'd had (especially over the past few years). I'd mostly thought of my life as being quite ordinary, and I've often been labelled by people (even by friends, on occasion) as a "shy person" - which sometimes morphed into "wallflower", which sometimes led people to think that I had nothing to say.
I started considering the blogs I read regularly - these writers were not extraordinary people, but I found them interesting and I wanted to read what they had to say (everything they had to say, in fact). Why? Because I had discovered something in them: whether that be a particular aspect of their personality, or the way they do things, or the decisions that they make. I found it useful to read their blogs because, through their words, they gave me advice, and pointed me in new directions.
I reflected on my experiences - being an expat, being pregnant and starting a family in Germany, my academic carer and my desire to walk away from laboratory science, how much I love reading and learning and discovering new things about the world....after pondering all my experiences and the many, many stories I could tell, I thought: maybe I could try this thing too?
Loneliness and vulnerability and seeking to prevent others from feeling alone
Another factor that comes into all of this is that I had gotten to a very lonely place. You could say it had been increasing in intensity for years (being an expat, the complex problems with my family), or, perhaps even, my entire life (my introverted nature always seeming to stand in the way of forming deep and long-lasting friendships), but it really reached its peak during the pandemic and during 2020.
I'd just had my second son in Germany (away from family and friends) and two weeks later the world shutdown. At first it seemed okay, as if the situation was actually working in our favour - with a new baby we'd always been planning on bunkering down for a while anyway. But, after a few months, and after the initial scary novelty of the virus itself had begun to wear off, and after my husband had to return to 'in-person' work - that's when I started to feel it. Here I was, still struggling with various postpartum issues, not getting very much sleep, never having time away from the kids, and with no one physically around to support me (except my husband, who was equally worn out). I also knew I wouldn't be returning to my previous job, so contact with a lot of the people that I'd previously been seeing every day dropped off completely.
I had been looking forward to this maternity leave being one of connection - because I'd also felt alone and somewhat depressed the first time round - I'd wanted to join parents' groups, go out and about every day, and welcome overseas visitors....it all fell apart - to the point where the reality was that most days, the only adult I would connect with was my husband.
“A previous version of myself would have been ashamed of this loneliness - and I was at first. But somehow, maybe by writing myself through and beyond the shame of having issues with my family, the shame began to lift in other areas too.”
I remembered back to the Brene Brown books I'd read (which I want to re-read and will probably become future Evergreen Bookclub picks!).
Brene Brown is the queen of vulnerability - she says lots of things on the topic, but I like this sentence:
We can't really move forward until we bring our shame out of the shadows and into the light - but this requires vulnerability. I kind of knew in my heart that being vulnerable to myself, while a good step in the right direction, was not really being vulnerable. Plus, I'd never been able to keep a journal 'for myself' in any long-term way. I knew if I did it like that, in secret, just for me, with no one else reading it - it would peter out.
If I was to be truly vulnerable, other people had to read my writing. Of course, I'm still working on this longer-form piece, but I knew I had more than that one story to write about and I wanted to write those tales too.
Then I came across this quote:
And I thought - that's exactly it! I can turn the tables on my (sometimes) negative experiences and could not only banish the shame in myself, but could help others.
And that's when I came up with my own 'mantra' of sorts that summarises what I'm trying to do with writing:
There were also a few other little (and big) nudges back toward writing
My firstborn son
You can head over to Dear Damsels to read a more creative-leaning piece about how my firstborn helped me (in all his unknowing ways) reunite with my long-lost creative self.
A silly comment my husband made during a conversation one night in 2020
I can't remember his exact words and I can't even remember what we were talking about, but he said something about me not being a particularly creative person. Well, I'm sure working to overthrow that sentiment! (I believe I've succeeded in his eyes - now he's inspired to make his creative pursuits more of a reality.
Fun fact: He's currently doing an immunology PhD, but he’s already got a PhD in creative writing. Yes, he'll end up being a double PhD - pretty sure there are not too many of those in the world. Ah, more stories for other days....).
The final straw: the dream job that wasn’t meant to be
In October last year I applied for a senior editor job at a big fancy scientific journal/publication. I got close, but ultimately didn't get the job.
I'd had it in my mind as I progressed further along the application process that if I got the job: yay, I got the job! But, if I didn't? I would start this blog instead. That way I would have something new and exciting to look forward to, whatever the outcome.
Part of the application process was to write an editorial, which I really enjoyed doing, and became the first complete piece of non-academic writing I’d done in a long time.
I'm just starting (re-starting)
This blog, Life Inspiration File, I guess it's a kind of practice for me. It's a way in which I can build my writing skills, heal my shame, learn and research and write about things that are interesting to me, and (hopefully) also interesting to you. I hope I can also demonstrate to you that you're not alone in your experiences, you are seen, you are heard, and you have a friend here. It's also a way of me sharing my passion and belief in the power of the written word. You know I love books, but the books I love the most are the ones that resonate with me, that expand my world, that teach me something. Here I'm going to tell my stories while honing my craft.
A passion project
Right now I'm doing this writing thing full time. While I still seek to pursue a career in scientific communications, it is probable that I won't be doing that until we settle back home in Australia (hopefully by the end of the year).
It's a lot of work but I'm doing it purely because I love to do it. I'm currently not earning any money from my writing (although I do hope to in the future). This passion is telling me that I am getting closer and closer to my true purpose; what I want my life to be filled with.
Determining what I want my life to be filled with has been an important lesson for me. It's a lesson that has emerged out of many hardships and bad experiences, but I wouldn't take them back because they've led me here.
Now I proudly say that I'm a writer - because I am writing.
Thank you for reading this far and, in doing so, supporting my work. It makes me really excited to see people landing here on Life Inspiration File, diving into the various articles, and giving me all sorts of lovely, momentum-building feedback and encouragement.
Now, over to you: what's a passion you have (re)-discovered through a complex set of experiences?
If you enjoyed this article, you might also like:
My About page (for more backstory and aims)
On the power of habits and consistency, and small things leading to big things (about my early morning writing habit)
A collection of writing resources (all the things I’ve come across so far that help me write)
Evergreen Bookclub 1: "Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance" by Angela Duckworth (if you want to take a deep dive into determining your life’s purpose)
On muses and writing - How my son reunited me with my creative self (a creative non-fiction piece featured on Dear Damsels)
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