'Don't ask, don't get' - applying this simple piece of advice has been a game-changer
My 3.5 year old, ready to attend his first day of Kindergarten at the end of February.
'Don't ask, don't get’
You’ve probably heard this concise little piece of advice before. Apparently it was originally uttered by Gandhi, but I’ve heard it whipped out in a number of situations, probably dozens of times by this point in my life. I’d never really applied it though, until I came across this principle again in a personal finance book of all places.
In 'Money School', Lacy Fillipich discusses this sentiment at length. She convincingly provides numerous examples of applying this wisdom and saving money. Most notably, she's managed to always get at least 0.25% off of her mortgage interest rate, simply by calling the bank up each year.
What does she say to convince the bank to grant her this discount and save her tens of thousands of dollars over the course of the loan?
She simply asks for the discount. Nothing more, nothing less.
Sidenote: Those readers who have explored the archives from six months ago when I first started this blog will know that 'Money school' was one of my favourite books of 2020 - do check out this book if you want to read a strong case for why you might like to aim for financial independence, and how you can achieve that even on a modest income.
Upon reading the amazing results Fillipich achieved from applying this idea (she also gets a discount off a number of other things, like vacuum bags), I immediately wrote it down - wanting to commit the notion to memory.
I didn't actually use the advice until about a year later.
Today I want to tell you how I applied this advice and how it has had some profound consequences on my daily life.
Let’s take a step back to explain why for me (and perhaps also for you) this advice was so necessary.
In the past, I haven't asked.
You see, I have been (and still am, in some situations), the type of person who doesn't ask.
This often means that I don't get.
After all, people are not mind-readers and it's often the way of the world that people are not going to be throwing amazing things into my (or anyone's) lap by chance.
Why don't I ask?
In part, it's a personality thing.
I will often accept the status quo; the first thing that's offered to me; the simple explanation.
I'm introverted in nature. I don't like to cause a fuss. I especially don't like getting into arguments (or heading anywhere close to an argument - particularly with people I don't know or am not comfortable with). I also don't like rejection.
There's also the language and cultural 'complications' of living in a country I didn't grow up in, and where I have only a basic grasp of the language. Over the past five years living in Germany, I have been even less willing to ask than before. It has often proven too difficult to get my point across in German, and I’m generally too scared to offend someone by over-stepping invisible (to me) boundaries.
But perhaps it goes even deeper than all this - perhaps I don't feel like I deserve to get exactly what I want.
Perhaps I feel that I don't deserve to even ask for for what I want.
Maybe you feel like this too, deep down? Or maybe you can resonate with some of my more simple explanations.
Whatever the cause, the end result is - don't ask, don't get.
How did I go about applying this wisdom and actually 'getting'?
The story
My 3.5 year old son was supposed to be starting at a new kindergarten in January. Since the COVID-19 cases were so high in Munich at that time, the government decided that daycare and Kindergarten would only be open in an emergency care capacity.
They specifically stated this meant if there was any way your child could be looked after at home, then they should stay at home.
I was frustrated by this news, and getting anxious about the continuation of lockdown part II with my kids and I snowed-in and at the edge of sanity.
While I wasn't working at the time, I was doing a number of other work-like things (it was just that I wasn't getting paid for them):
I was looking for and applying for jobs (you can read all about my career pivot-in-progress here)
I was writing this blog (which is currently a 'passion project' but I'm hoping to build it into a business)
I was writing other articles as guest posts to continue building my skills and developing a writing portfolio
But, because I felt that these weren't reason enough for me to not be able to look after my 3.5 year old as well, I dutifully kept him at home for an (at that time) undefined period of time.
What happened during that time?
I still fought to do whatever work I could. I kept on applying for jobs. I kept writing everyday. I kept submitting and publishing articles.
But we all suffered.
I was disappointed and angry at not being given the time and mental space to do work that I considered important for my career, my 3.5 year old spent way too much time sitting in front of the TV and had absolutely zero social contact, and my 1 year old was roaming around not getting the attention he deserved while I was trying to do multiple tasks at once.
Towards the end of February we got an email to say that because the COVID-19 cases had dropped enough, they could resume normal daycare and my son would be able to begin.
Short story: he started at his new Kindergarten, made friends right away, and was coming home full of excitement and stories about how much he loved Kindergarten. I was finally alone with only the 1 year old to look after, and able to concentrate on my work during his naps.
It was lucky too - because by the end of March I was diagnosed with shingles, which I attribute to the stress of that time and having no support (but more on that in another post).
But our enjoyment was short-lived: by mid-April the COVID-19 cases had crept back up again.
Emergency care was again announced.
I felt stressed contemplating another undefined period of time when we would all be at home together and none of us would get what we actually needed.
Then I remembered: "don't ask, don't get".
It just floated back to me, like some kind friend was patting my back and telling me what I really needed to hear. I don't know what exactly had brought it back into my mind - I think I was at the end of my tether and felt I had to do something to try to prevent a repeat of January and February. I said to my husband, 'the worst that can happen is that they say no, but if they say yes - it will improve our lives dramatically.'
So I nervously asked (by email, of course) whether my job applications and writing work would be considered enough of a reason for my 3.5 year old to attend Kindergarten during emergency care.
I kept on trying to convince myself that I was doing the right thing, that I wasn't doing anything wrong by asking. But I really doubted myself.
Then I received an email. Just one line of text:
'Of course you are eligible. See you Monday!'
Lesson
If you don't ask, there is no chance of getting - most people will simply not know what you need unless you tell them.
If you do ask, you are not guaranteed to get - but you may.
After this experience, I am convinced by the power of applying this principle and I am trying to take every opportunity to use it in my life.
I've told a very specific story, but there are many situations where you could apply this principle to your own life.
Other places you could apply ‘don’t ask, don’t get’
Ask for discounts (especially at the bank, for cars, and for electronics).
Use it in negotiating salary and conditions in the job application process (there's actually a whole section on 'Money School' about negotiating conditions in particular).
Relationships - for example, with your partner. I notice this with my husband - there have been numerous situations where I have felt he has ignored my wishes, only to realise later that I just hadn't made them explicit.
Let people know what you need (even if you feel it might be too much). I struggle with this, and often suffer through some quite torturous situations simply because I am too scared to ask for help. Seeing it in this way helps me: it's good to give people the opportunity to make the decision about whether they want to help you. By not asking, you’re not letting them know what you need (they’re not mind-readers, remember!), and so you are stripping them of the choice to decide. So many times people have said to me afterwards - ‘but I would’ve helped if I’d known you needed it. I just didn’t know.’ They may not always say yes, but give them the opportunity to by asking.
The main thing is: don’t do like I’ve done in the past and let fear stand in your way.
Always ask: 'what's the worse that could happen?'
If the worst that could happen is that they could say 'no', then go for it! You really have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Try it for yourself: How could you apply the 'don't ask, don't get' premise to your own life? Or, do you have a similar success story from when you tried out this principle?
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