10 Lessons I’ve learned in four (+) years of motherhood
My eldest son turned four at the beginning of August. I still almost can't believe it; even almost two months later he remains a three year old in my mind. Some parts of the past four years have felt incredibly slow (like the long 18 months he wasn't sleeping very well, and had me up multiple times a night), but most times feel like they've passed by so rapidly that I can barely keep up.
I thought it would be fun to do a little post on some of the lessons I've learned in the 4 (+) years I've been a mother. I say '+' because I really feel like parenthood, and especially motherhood, kind of begins before the birth - I was looking out for my sons from the moment I realised I was pregnant each time: those early days where they were bunches of rapidly dividing cells, and mere specks (or not even) on the ultrasound screen.
Of course, these 'lessons' (aka random things I've picked up along the way) are going to be personal to me. Maybe you have different ones (make sure to leave them in the comments below!). But I like reading these kind of posts, so I hope you enjoy this too.
1) You don't know what you're going to get. Embrace (or, at least accept) uncertainty.
This is a really big one, and one I'm still struggling with. You don’t know what you’re going to get. It could be as small as little personality quirks that you didn't expect, or as life-altering as a major disability. You could know from birth, or not find out until they're a teenager. You cannot predict exactly what your kid will be like (or what they'll do!). Let certainty go - it does not exist. Embrace the uncertainty, and the possibilities present in the uncertainty. Let yourself be surprised, and appreciate everything you've got. Easier said than done - I know (there will be an upcoming Evergreen bookclub pick revolving around this very topic, so stay tuned if you, like me, also have a hard time with this).
2) Most of the time, a hands off approach works best.
I still need to read the books, but from what I understand of the Montessori approach, a major part of the philosophy is about kids doing things as independently as possible. Independence is also really encouraged at the two different childcare centres my eldest son has attended here in Germany. Practically, this often means taking a step back - instead of rushing to do something for my sons, I try to stop and wait, and give them a chance to have a go. Sometimes they still need my help in the end, but I like to (wherever possible) give them the opportunities to learn by doing. Assume competence.
3) Parent the child (or children) you've got, not the one(s) you'd hoped for.
This kind of relates back to the first point. But it's also more about seeing your kid for who they are. When you're having troubles with your kid, it's easy to see their weaknesses, but every child has strengths. It is important to get to know your child as much as possible (and to continue to alter your perception of them as they grow and change), and then parent them (the kid right in front of you). Play to their strengths, help them with their weaknesses. Do not compare to other people's children, or the ideals you have in your head of what you wanted your child to be like.
4) Some days (a lot of days), just keeping them alive and fed is good enough.
The pandemic really lowered the bar for me. Before actually having kids, I thought I'd never let them watch TV for hours - pre-parent me imagined I would instead come up with a whole bunch of educational activities to keep them occupied and help their growing minds (I have come up with those activities - see this blog post here - but I didn't always have the energy to actually set them up and do them during lockdowns). Naturally the reality, when you have physical kids in front of you AND a whole bunch of other life and work tasks that need to get done, is very different. After four years of doing this parenting thing (plus a pandemic), I've become much less judgmental of myself and others. Some days you just have to make small sacrifices for the greater good. Which brings me on to my next point...
5) Aim for laughter every day.
As long as they are happy, all is good. Even if they've spent too much time in front of the TV, as long as they've enjoyed themselves, that's a win for me. I like to make sure that I get both of my little guys cackling with laughter each day - whether that's being silly, or tickling them while helping them get dressed, or impromptu games. There's nothing more heartwarming than the sound of your kid laughing because of something you did. And that's what they're really going to remember of their childhoods - the general feeling they had, not all the little details that I get myself so worked up about.
6) You are not going to irreversibly stuff them up.
I've done it - we all have - yelled at my kids (particularly the four year old), or lost my patience and said something mean, made them cry. I often notice right away when I've done it - my four year old is particularly good at making me feel bad when I've done something to him. And I always regret it instantly, thinking that this isn't the parent I wanted to be. That maybe this is the final straw, that the threshold has been reached pushing my kid into being a mean, cold, antisocial person whose life is completely ruined. Whose innocent soul has been snatched away. But this isn't true: these things, even if the kid in question is angry and upset in the moment, are not going to irreversibly stuff up their lives. Kids are so so resilient.
7) The more patience you have, the happier you will be.
My four year old knows exactly how to push my buttons - whether that be yanking on my hair while I'm helping him to put his shoes on, having a tantrum when we're trying to leave the house, or intentionally going against my wishes. Sometimes I find it incredibly difficult not to blow my steam in these situations. But, whenever I do, it makes the situation ten times worse. Whenever I act with patience, breathe, and consider what might be leading him to these behaviours, often I can diffuse the situation a little, if not completely turn it around. I still need to read that book: How to stop losing your shit with your kids, though...
8) If 'misbehaviour' is occurring, redirect, redirect, redirect.
Another tactic I like using if 'misbehaviour' is occurring is to redirect. I call it misbehaviour in quotation marks because I think generally, kids are not trying to do anything wrong. They simply have needs and desires that don't always align with the ones we have as parents. Sometimes it's difficult (if not impossible) to align those needs and desires. In these cases, redirection can really act as a magical elixir. Example: sometimes my four year old likes to loudly talk about 'caca' (poop) on the bus. He thinks it's hilarious. Once he starts doing this, I like to redirect him by asking him a million questions about his day - to get him thinking (and talking) about something else. If that doesn't work, I'll often talk about what we're going to have as a snack when we get home.
9) YOU are the best mother (to YOUR child).
It's so easy to play the comparison game, isn't it? Especially with parenting. Especially when the way others parent is so in your face. I say, take inspiration from others but leave the rest behind. You know your child the best. You know what works for you and your family. You are the best mother to your child. Remember - your kid is probably not comparing the way you parent to their friends' mums. You shouldn't either.
10) They will love you unconditionally - enjoy that; it's surprisingly rare in life.
Life gets busy. Often I'm so focussed on getting out the door or running to the bus, that I don't always interact with my eldest son in the way that he needs or wants. But when I do, he laps it up straight away. He stares into my eyes and smiles. I know he loves me no matter what. I hug him tighter and thank the universe for allowing me to mother this beautiful creature.
11) Bonus lesson: There will be unimaginable amounts of mess….
What are some things you’ve learned being a parent? Let me know in the comments below!
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