When they say, ‘it gets better’ (guest post)
Dalia holding her son on the beach.
Today, we have Dalia back with another guest post (you can read her previous piece here). This time she discusses the difficult, yet ultimately rewarding, first few months of being a mother.
When I was 18, 1 am was when I would be sneaking out of my house to go hang out with my friends.
When I was 22, 3 am was when I would be quietly coming home from a night out clubbing with my friends.
When I was 33, 1 am to 5 am became the loneliest and most anxiety inducing hours I’ve ever felt. These were the hours I spent alone with my newborn baby each night for the first month of his life. My, how times have changed.
You’ve heard it, right? The first month is the hardest. Everyone glazes over the ‘why’ of it all and is quick to just say, ‘it gets better.’ And you look at them pleadingly, wondering ‘but how!?’ and ‘when!?’
In my case, the first month was difficult for an array of reasons.
Breastfeeding had me second-guessing how fit I was to feed my baby: I would dread the next feed and hope he would sleep a little longer, just so my body could recuperate for a minute.
The lack of sleep made me realize that I am most definitely not one of those people who can function on very little sleep (shout out to my husband who seems to thrive on 4 hours). It put me on edge and turned me into someone I hardly recognized. I became extremely irrational and irritable, and the amount of rage I felt at the smallest things was frightening.
The emergency c-section I ended up having made me feel things I also wasn’t prepared for - like loss, guilt, and failure, in addition to the physical recuperation of a major surgery.
Throw in the fact that we all have practically no idea what we are doing as first time parents: every diaper, every feed, every strange noise, hiccup, cough and cry was overanalyzed. This caught me by complete surprise. All anyone ever talks about is the newborn bubble. How blissful it can be and the amount of love you feel that you could burst. Sure, they throw in the token expression, ‘hardest but best thing you’ll ever do’, but I truly feel like that’s not even the tip of the iceberg. And even now, as I write this, I know I’m leaving out so many other details about how hard it is.
Now, a year into it, I look back and think nothing and no one could have prepared me for it. Or changed the amount of anxiety I felt in those first couple of months. Slowly, the anxiety tapers off and you start to feel slightly more confident about what you are doing.
What I realized was this: maybe no one talks about how hard it is in detail because a) there really is no solution and b) it is the way in which you form an unbreakable bond with your baby. As a parent, you are meant to go through the hardships in order to be a better parent to your child and to know them on a deeper level than anyone else ever could.
Six months into it, I smiled to myself as family members with good intentions suggested ways in which he would sleep better at night, or how they believed he was too attached to me and needed more alone time. I smiled because at this point, I knew him like the back of my hand. I knew what every cry meant and was so attuned to him that I alone knew what would work for us and what wouldn’t.
Had we not had those crazy, stressful nights together, learning how to understand each other, communicate and trust each other, I wouldn’t have known him as well as I do now.
I’m convinced that the first month is a rite of passage into being not only a parent, but into being your baby’s parent. That as hard as it may be, each obstacle is teaching you something valuable and building you up into someone who is completely capable of solving any situation head on. So take heart in knowing that as difficult as it may be and as much as you might second-guess yourself, you will get through it and be all the better for it.
Today’s post was another guest contribution from Dalia Wight.
Dalia is a graphic designer turned stay at home mom to her one year old son. Recently repatriated from the Netherlands with her husband, Dutch souvenir (her little boy) and cat; she now enjoys living on some sunny beach in Southern California.
Visit @wightmodern to see her work and @daliaeren for all things mama, beach and lifestyle related.
If you liked this story, you might also like:
The emotional aftermath of an emergency c-section (Dalia’s other guest contribution)
A letter to my new-mum self (my story of the first night after my eldest son was born)
How I got my babies to sleep through the night - lessons learned from two very different sleepers (are you struggling with this? Perhaps this article will help!)
Remember to check out the sub-page, Motherhood Together, for all things pregnancy and early motherhood + resources - in the one place and in a logical order.
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