Evergreen Bookclub 4: ‘The Gift of Maybe’ by Allison Carmen
This next iteration of The Evergreen Bookclub is focussed on the book: ‘The Gift of Maybe - Finding hope and possibility in uncertain times’ by Allison Carmen.
If it’s the first time you’ve read one of these book posts and you have no idea what this whole Evergreen Bookclub thing is about, you can read more about it here. Essentially, my aim is to pick non-fiction books (usually of the self-help/psychology variety, roughly one per month) and come up with questions and exercises, aiming to help us relate what we read to our lives.
How did I come across ‘The Gift of Maybe’?
I actually hadn’t heard about it until I was listening to a podcast, but I bought it immediately because it felt like exactly what I needed to read. Carmen was being interviewed on the TILT parenting podcast, which is all about raising differently-wired children (how I came upon this podcast is the result of some anxiety I’ve been feeling surrounding my second son - but that I’ll be covering in a whole blog post of its own). You can listen to Carmen being interviewed on the TILT parenting podcast here.
If you want to find out more about Allison Carmen, then head to her website. She also has her own podcast, called ’10 minutes to less suffering’.
Background
The main aim of ‘The Gift of Maybe’ is to help people change their mindset about the future.
Have you ever been worried about the future? About what’s going to happen next?
Have you been consumed by worse case scenarios you were convinced were going to play out?
I have - quite a lot actually, which is why I was drawn to this book.
There is an idea/approach termed: ‘worst case scenario thinking’ (aka negative visualisation or defensive pessimism), where you visualise the worst case scenario and use that to prime and prepare you, making you feel less anxious because you know you are prepared no matter what happens.
I can see how this may work, and I have often accidentally implemented negative visualisation in my own life, but I can also see a lot of drawbacks (the main one being: I don’t like how it makes me feel). The other issue is that worst case scenario thinking, although sometimes offering a preparatory function, means spending valuable time in the present on a future that you know nothing about. An imagined future that you cannot be certain will ever happen. Even if it did end up eventuating, worst case scenario thinking means that you actually end up living the worst case scenario twice instead of once. It’s also questionable where this worst case scenario thinking actually prepares you for when (if) something actually happens, because there will be a whole host of factors at play that will mean that the future will never look exactly as you imagined it.
With all that said, let’s get stuck into the book and how the concept of ‘Maybe’ might offer us an alternative (to negative visualisation) way to approach the future.
Note: Carmen includes a number of exercises sprinkled throughout the book, which I haven’t covered here since that would kind of be plagiarism! Instead, what follows are my own questions that I thought of while reading - I encourage you to read the book for Carmen’s exercises as well.
Introduction
Carmen argues that most people are addicted to certainty - they want to feel in control and to know exactly what will happen next.
Carmen herself was also addicted to certainty, she says: ‘I became devastated whenever things took an unexpected turn because I believed it meant the life I had envisioned for myself was no longer possible.’
Q1: How has anxiety about the future negatively affected you? (Try to think of both big and small examples).
How might Maybe help?
Maybe creates hope. As Carmen muses ‘it [maybe] allowed me to see the infinite ways that every situation could unfold. I realised that things might not always go as planned, but that in the next moment things would change and Maybe for the better.’
Q2: It’s so easy to assume that the worst case scenarios (or even just worse case scenarios) are going to play out. It’s also easy to forget that there is always the possibility that things will not only not be as bad, but may even be better than before. Can you think of a time when you have done this and things have actually turned out better than expected? List as many examples as possible - I feel they are easy to forget - but it’s nice to have them as evidence when you get stuck in these old ways of thinking.
Carmen’s premise is that uncertainty isn’t all bad (or perhaps not even bad at all): ‘Maybe is the part of uncertainty where endless possibilities live and breathe.’
She suggests to have an arsenal of ‘Maybe mantras’ - ie ‘Maybe….’ - that you can say to yourself, especially in the face of a shocking and seemingly negative turn of events.
Q3: Can you think of your own ‘Maybe mantras? Start now, and add to them as you continue to read. Carmen suggests to revisit these statements multiple times a day. For most of us, a lot of re-wiring probably needs to occur!
Here are some of my ‘Maybe mantras’:
Maybe I am strong enough to handle this.
Maybe this is how things should be.
Maybe I will grow from this.
Chapter 1 - The philosophy of Maybe
Again, Carmen continues to argue that uncertainty isn’t necessarily bad:
'For every situation we face there are numerous possibilities of resolution, and within those possibilities exists a hope that "it could be good," "it could get better", or we could find a way to accept the situation we are facing and still be all right.’
Q4: Do you often fear the future? When do these feelings come up? (For example, do they emerge during times of transition?) Do you have any hypotheses about where this way of thinking emerged from? (Did your parents fear the future, for instance?).
Carmen suggests to ask this question in times of fear:
‘Do [I] know for sure that the things [I] fear will work out as negatively as [I am] projecting?’ (Hint: the answer is often NO).
Q5: Carmen also reminds us that things are always changing and that nothing stays the same for long. This brings hope and possibility. Can you think of some examples from your life where things ended up changing even though the situation appeared stagnant?
Chapter 2 - Keep hope alive
Carmen argues that positive thoughts are not enough on their own - often we can be positive to a point but then when something really bad happens, negativity overshadows everything.
Q6: Are you able to maintain (or quickly restore) a positive outlook even in the face of a devastating situation? If yes, what were some strategies that you used in order to achieve this?
What to do when the bad thing happens:
Carmen, knowing that it is hard not to feel sad, or disappointed, or scared when something scary and unexpected happens, suggests to do this:
‘Notice and identify the feeling’ = acknowledging the feeling.
Then ask: ‘What’s left?’ And ‘What’s next?’.
And of course: lean right in to your Maybe mantras.
Chapter 3 - Maybe there is another way
It is easy to fall into the trap of linear thinking: ‘We surrender all other possibilities because we envision that our lives can unfold in just one way.’ But, this is not really true: ‘There are often many routes to success - some twisting, some circuitous, and some with hairpin turns that sneak up unexpectedly.’
Not only that: linear thinking is problematic because we end up believing ‘that there is a right and wrong way for our lives to unfold.’
Q7: Can you see how linear thinking can be problematic? Where has linear thinking caused pain and suffering in your own life?
Q8: Think of some times when something you wanted eventuated, but not in the linear direction you originally envisioned.
Chapter 4 - Let go of the past (but hold on to the wisdom)
Further problems with linear thinking: ‘Our linear thoughts make us believe we know exactly how something will happen based on what happened yesterday, last week, or last year. This can be a helpful tool to guide us in our lives, but it can also be what keeps us experiencing the same painful and disappointing results.’
Q9: Can you think of a time when your repeated actions or thought patterns (even if at the time it seemed as if you were doing something different, but were instead merely rearranging) kept you getting the same results as you did in the past?
Q10: Can you describe an experience that has been influenced, altered, or marred by an experience prior to it?
Q11: Would you say that you commonly hold onto past experiences and let them direct your current decisions? Or are you more flexible?
A way to let go of the past, Carmen suggests: ‘Instead of sticking to the way things have always been done, try to notice the opportunities, even small ones, for trying a new approach.’
Chapter 5 - The present is the true gift
On negativity/worry/fear:
‘Worry often gives small things a large shadow.’ (Swedish proverb)
‘The negative twist’ = ‘A place in our minds where every bad thing that can happen actually does.’ (Carmen).
The problem with being trapped in the Negative twist: it keeps us trapped in our negative thoughts, wastes time and energy (and can even make us sick), and it ‘limits our ability to create new possibilities for the future.’
Q12: When have you engaged with or been trapped within the Negative Twist? I am trapped in there frequently - it can be quite problematic for me.
Q13: How does engaging with the Negative Twist make you feel? (ie Does is make you feel more prepared for a bad situation? Or does it feel more like a waste of time?).
A way around the Negative Twist: Carmen suggests (even in the toughest of times) to go back to the present moment and enjoy what you have.
Regrets:
Q14: Do you have any regrets? Is there a way for you to turn them around and see how they may have brought you to better things than may otherwise have happened? (Note: Carmen has a whole exercise on this; you might want to go ahead and try it out if you struggle with this).
Chapter 6 - Maybe is always at play
‘Maybe does not minimise hardships, nor does it ask us to pretend that life does not have its challenges. Instead, Maybe is a life philosophy that asks us to embrace all that is possible from where we currently stand.’
Another Maybe mantra: ‘Even though my life has changed, my possibilities are still infinite.’
Q15: Can you think of even more of your own personal Maybe mantras?
One of my own Maybe Mantras - feel free to use it if you find it helpful!
Chapter 7 - The internal maybe: finding a new strength
Q16: What are your doubts about yourself? Can you take each one of these doubts and think of some ‘Maybes’ around it?
Chapter 8 - Adopting Maybe as a life philosophy
Q17: Can you think of some ways that you could incorporate the idea of Maybe into your everyday life and thoughts? (For example, reading through (or writing out) your Maybe Mantras daily; getting into the habit of pausing when you find out something unexpected, and attempting to dampen your fear response with a Maybe thought?).
Q18: As always, my final question is - what was your biggest insight from ‘The Gift of Maybe’?
Leave any answers, questions, and thoughts in the comments below. I personally really like this philosophy: it is simple (and therefore easy to remember and implement), and I think it offers a path out of cycles of negative thinking.
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